Blue Chequer Pied

Been on before but still very funny. Enjoy ;D ;D Paul. Tommy Cooper Jokes I can picture him saying these jokes Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." -------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" -------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said "You are." ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' -------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied, "I know I've been ill" --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "well don't go to those places" --------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." --------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

Lindsay that bird looks that good I bet it could walk on water. :P ;D ;D Well done far too technical for me, great job. Paul.

Look forward to it Jim, I was speaking to your dad in elgin last week. See you there. Paul.

I'll be there Robbie, see you there. Paul.

I am suspicious of that dinraiser character

The good ones seem to taste better Stuart. The sparrowhawk can pick out the tasty one's as well.

So does Darren Dodds

Stevie, I feel your pain, those bl@@dy Germans are always at it. A total disgrace!

But they would be yellow .... job done ;D

Is it not easier to pair it to another yellow or am I missing something :-/

Count me in please. Paul.

That will be a show doo then ;D no good for anything else

Never ( in public anyway ) Now Mariah, thats another story, if she ever wants to sell those pup...... better not go there :B

It is sad Alan. You should be ashamed of yourself

Thanks.

And what way would that be ? Just curious. Paul.

Pearson & Dransfield's Belg cock

I wish, more happening in the clink than here I am good Dougie, started a new job a few weeks ago so up to my eyes.

Dougie, My eyes were watering and I had the boake just watching it. Very funny mind you ;D

Alan, I had some from Jimmy & Sue Dickens. They were terriffic birds and flew well. Must admit the best ones were crosses, crossed to planet van loons and meulemans through Frank Scargill. I wish I had them now. I know people who had a from Pallet ( no expense spared ) and they went down like 9 pins. Paul.

Sorry to hear this. Pete was a nice guy. He will be missed. Paul.

No but used Old Spice for the dancin

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D dont blame him

Get her to move it, you can have a beer and watch.