Read This For A Laugh

[Delboy]

Apparently, these are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"

WITNESS: "He said, where am I Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: "And why did that upset you?"

WITNESS: "My name is Susan!"

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

WITNESS: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORN EY: "Are you sexually active?"

WITNESS: "No, I just lie there."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

ATTORNEY: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

WITNESS: "I forget.."

ATTORNEY: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"

_________________________ __________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

_________________________ ___________

 

ATTORNEY: "The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?"

WITNESS: "He's 20, much like your IQ."

_________________________ __________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

WITNESS: "Are you shitting me?

_________________________ ________________

 

ATTORNEY: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

ATTORNEY: "And what were you doing at that time?"

WITNESS: "Getting laid."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "She had three children, right?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

ATTORNEY: "How many were boys?"

WITNESS: "None."

ATTORNEY: "Were there any girls?"

WITNESS: "Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

WITNESS: "By death.."

ATTORNEY: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

WITNESS: "Take a guess."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Can you describe the individual?"

WITNESS: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

ATTORNEY: "Was this a male or a female?"

WITNESS: "Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male."

_________________________ ____________

 

ATTORNEY: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

WITNESS: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

_________________________ _____________

 

ATTORNEY: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

WITNESS: "All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

_________________________ ________________

 

ATTORNEY: "ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

WITNESS: " Oral..."

_________________________ ________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

WITNESS: "The autopsy started around 8:30 PM."

ATTORNEY: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?"

WITNESS: "If not, he was by the time I finished."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

WITNESS: "Are you qualified to ask that question?"

_________________________ _____________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

WITNESS: "No."

ATTORNEY: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

WITNESS: "No."

ATTORNEY: "Did you check for breathing?"

WITNESS: "No.."

ATTORNEY: "So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

WITNESS: "No."

ATTORNEY: "How can you be so sure Doctor?"

WITNESS: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

ATTORNEY: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"

WITNESS: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."

[frank-123]

very funny

[just ask me]

one born every minute they say :emoticon-0140-rofl:

[Guest stb-]

[gulkie]

enjoyed that :emoticon-0136-giggle:

[Guest homestead]

mmmmmmnn Americans

[Guest radouani]

:emoticon-0140-rofl: very funny

[lanarkshire lad]

Apparently, these are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"

WITNESS: "He said, where am I Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: "And why did that upset you?"

WITNESS: "My name is Susan!"

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

WITNESS: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORN EY: "Are you sexually active?"

WITNESS: "No, I just lie there."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

ATTORNEY: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

WITNESS: "I forget.."

ATTORNEY: "You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"

_________________________ __________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

_________________________ ___________

 

ATTORNEY: "The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?"

WITNESS: "He's 20, much like your IQ."

_________________________ __________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

WITNESS: "Are you shitting me?

_________________________ ________________

 

ATTORNEY: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

ATTORNEY: "And what were you doing at that time?"

WITNESS: "Getting laid."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "She had three children, right?"

WITNESS: "Yes."

ATTORNEY: "How many were boys?"

WITNESS: "None."

ATTORNEY: "Were there any girls?"

WITNESS: "Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?"

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

WITNESS: "By death.."

ATTORNEY: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

WITNESS: "Take a guess."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Can you describe the individual?"

WITNESS: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

ATTORNEY: "Was this a male or a female?"

WITNESS: "Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male."

_________________________ ____________

 

ATTORNEY: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

WITNESS: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

_________________________ _____________

 

ATTORNEY: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

WITNESS: "All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

_________________________ ________________

 

ATTORNEY: "ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

WITNESS: " Oral..."

_________________________ ________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

WITNESS: "The autopsy started around 8:30 PM."

ATTORNEY: "And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?"

WITNESS: "If not, he was by the time I finished."

_________________________ ___________________

 

ATTORNEY: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

WITNESS: "Are you qualified to ask that question?"

_________________________ _____________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

WITNESS: "No."

ATTORNEY: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

WITNESS: "No."

ATTORNEY: "Did you check for breathing?"

WITNESS: "No.."

ATTORNEY: "So then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

WITNESS: "No."

ATTORNEY: "How can you be so sure Doctor?"

WITNESS: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

ATTORNEY: "I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?"

WITNESS: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law."

VERY GOOD

[Henrik]

Was the attorney called Danny?

[Blue Chequer Pied]

Was the attorney called Danny?

 

Would that be Danny with an 'F'

[Roland]

4th time put up here and just as funny every time lol.