Roland

Making a baby. There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!-- The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to ...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.' After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh . . . equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes . . . Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted.

If Tommy Cooper were alive today I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.' ----------------------- This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. ------------------------ I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.' ----------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.' ---------------------------- I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End' --------------------------- I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.' ------------------------------ I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?' -------------------------- My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel. ------------------------ I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera..' --------------------------- I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R. ---------------------------- I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down. ---------------------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on. --------------------------- The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.' -------------------------- I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.' ---------------------- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..' -------------------------- I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.' ---------------------------- I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!' -------------------------------- This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!' -------------------------- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest' ------------------------------ I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road' ---------------------- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. ------------------------- I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ------------------------ I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. --------------------------- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.' -------------------------------- I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow' -------------------------------- A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.' The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now

Your best pigeon is always the ONEW that is In the loft... ;D ;D

Simply reality. If I have a job, that through what ever reason I don't like, I either put up, shut up or leave. Simply reality. Do I have a right to tell the owner who he should employ or sack :-/ If I play footie for a good side, but aren't happy.... do I leave for another side, or accept :-/ Do I become a pain the butt and tell the manager how to run his team :-/ Or do the decent thing, put up, or shut, or leave. The scenario is endless. If on this site we get a poster of self importance, who wishes to ask a question, THEN has the only answer that they ARE entitled too - and further how, or why this is a Right I'll never know - and doesn't, or is incapable of understanding, surely the same right are to be afforded the OWNERS also, free from senile badgering! Then if still not happy, either Put up, shut and get on with it, or leave Simple that (even for silly ones eh :-/ :o OR Go and start your own site I say! But what right does a Honouree member, for surely that is all we are, indeed can be no more, indeed have to try and bully and talk codswallop to try and impress? Which no one really is - except a few of us 'Stirrers lol ;D ;D - So reality says 'Get a life, move on etc. and give us the right to enjoy, or not as we choose, and just creep back into the woodwork. I believe that another ruling should be 'If one becomes incessant with stupid wanna be important and can't accept the ruling, the way this site is run, then THEY should be top of the list to be removed permanently from the site and give us all a bit of peace away from such nonsense... P.s. Anyone, if the cap fits wear it .... when Do I leave lol ;D

The Cork Two blokes are in a locker room taking a shower after a game of footy, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his *expletive removed*. If you do not mind me saying,' 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?' I regret I cannot', said the first bloke. 'It is permanently stuck in my *expletive removed*.' 'I do not understand,' said the other. The first bloke says, 'I was walking along Flinders Street, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge blue man in Arabian attire with a beard came boiling out. He said, 'I am the Genie of the Lamp . I can grant you one wish.' I said, 'No s**t!?'

Don't think that they have been endorsed... and really once a bird is in the stall trap, it can't fly back up to the roof and still be timed in. Just another little benefit for the ET's which has been sowed now, and beginning to get reaped. That's life, good, bad or indifferen I can't see it being changed or least wise reversed. I persume further that much will depend on the feeling on the clubs as to what they will accept .... then thoses that don't will say what about the Nationals and sections. The reading is to be within the confines of the loft.... that proximity can be anyway within reason, - and not confined within the loft! Yes the states do - or did have the ruling that the pads must be inside the Upright of the loft. So that a bird had to be over 2/3rds inside to be timed in. So yes obviously wasn't able to time in then fly up on the roofs etc.

Yep, sooner better the better eh! Get better then

What if my trapping board is a sliding out mechanicism? In most of the time so birds can't land and enter the loft. Slid out when allowed to enter their loft? :o :-/ :-/ :-/ It must and is within te confines of the PROXIMITY of the confines as needed and that's for sure. Indeed it has to be pulled / slid out to enable me to open a sliding door! This has to be done in order to enable me to enter the loft even to feed them and / or clean them out! :-/

Think your club has to stipulate that it is open and will take any and every member regardless. Leads to a 'Case Scenario' of if a club ever refuses a member, then it can be held to have NOT fulfilled it's purpose and they could legally ask, expect and HAVE their funding replaced. Good job too eh!? :-/ :-/

His final point being that how many birds do you see that work home after a good period out (not just a few days) after a hard race come back unfit and uhealthy? Most are usually fit enough to go back to the very next race! How so true. We get told umpteen time 'Nature' knows best.... but so many are convinced they know better.

Me... and yourselves the third time around. Yes earlier if you have a 'Game Plan' set out and decided via looking at others lofts just what you wish to acheive and system / distance you wish to fly. Simple really :-/ :-/

First off you get blood that is capable of doing well at that distance. then you let them get a sense of HOME and Contentment and a wanting to be in the safe enviroment that is their loft. Until then you'll do nowt with your birds as far as I am concerned. A few training tosses first year as young birds. A couple of 100 - 150 milers races as yearlings. If then they like and want to be in your' loft.... Well they be there - all things being equeal at the end of the 600+ races.

Tony I can you need to differentiate between Confines and Confine and confined please... but did notice a part in the RPRA section from Bill about the RPRA NOT endorsing or otherwise any sellers' Wares1

Am to roof my adjacent shed. Is brick built and has an abspesors roof - Don't you just love the spelling ;D. Anni road, had words for a favour owed.... hopefully a new roof is being delivered this week. Yes metal with plastic coating. - Trouble is, can't remember which side of the fence the favours are falling lol. Will have to double wrap the oled roof, and wait till end of Jan till he has a special Skip delivered to take the ole roof away. So suppose the ole saying 'Only as rich as your friends' still stands eh! :-/ ;D ;D Mind will have to pay a mite for a mucker to put up etc.

No one up for giving the English praise? First class of the highest order performance. Never mind the 7 points incorrectly not given, and possibly 2 more, thatwould have meant a 38 to nil half time score. And never mind the codswallop that France were below parr... as I stated earlier in another post.... 'You can only play, perform, as good as the opposition allows'! France played some good rugger in second half for a spell when England's foot was off the pedal so to speak. Two main disappointments as far a I am concern. Simon Shaw stupidly giving away Penalties, and again Vickers playing needless and stupid tactics not warrented or needed. Put uncalled preasure to be imposed because the Ref pulled him up.

Why no one want to buy it lol ;D ;D ;D Seriously of course the very nature of where they fly from and too makes in it's self a few bonus points.

Think this is a job for Saquaound

To enlighten you we now sell the real Saquaounds. These are genuine 'Bigfoots x Bloodhounds. Guaranteed to track down any future 'National Winners' or any National lofts, Feather Merchants lofts. Or the 165 National winners or more from the NFC / MNFC / Barcelona / BICC races each season. Idea for setting up 'Attempted' breakin to gain future awards. Let me assure you, this will be the way forward to further your stock of future winners.... Why now one could even where which loft the young birds sold from expensive stock went to!

Big foots for sale and sensible prices ... going Cheep even l ;D ;D lol

Like me eh lol ;D ;D ;D Mind with my other folks casts offs, I too could say with a Nod and Knowing Wink ' Brothers, sisters, and many in this family have won Feds, Clubs and even Nationals.... But mustn't tell you who lol. Why don't I win with mine!!! :-/ .... Well thay were 'Freebies' and like the others - that won - I should have Paid stack of dosh for :o .... then they would have won too lol ;D ;D

If it is the Planet Bros... I quickly with drawn my offer to attempt to break in .... Indeed if I so much as even dream it for a moment, I will wake up and appoligise :o . As for the Even scenario.... well load of ole tosh that as far as I'm concerned. Wonder it's not there 47th to be National winner that for reasons best known to themselves, that someone heard of it's where abouts and thought thaey'd nik it quick while the going is good lol ;D ;D ;D

Mate bought a real decent Lap top for £250 new with usual Guarantees'.

Gosh ... will have to arrange for me and a mate to attempt another one... then he can shop me for the £50,000 plus... Me! Well a slap on the wrist and a nice little earner of £25,000 +. No such thing as 'Bad Publicity' eh!

Like the Owl Statues, they soon realise they don't move.... just my own views.

Would it be loverly knowing that there were a few Eagle Owls frequenting the line of our pigeons flight! :) Further Les, I was led to belive, that all Predators, Big Cats etc. clear their area of any oppositions! This being their built in instinc. A tiger - or big cat for instance will look on and yawn at most things when belly is full.... but will soon up and kills say a Leopald etc. Heard tale that the Bird predators will hunt at night and clean up the opposition. If they didn't, let me say straight off the RSPB wouldn't give a fickled rats behind. Like Pour Invetamin... soon pointed out all and every where that Falcons / Hawks / raptures etc. use Invetamin them selves.... missing out the part 'Pour on'.