ghostrider Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.... I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral Of This Story ? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance!
cemetary Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 :lol: :lol: Classic, m a wife's in bits, :o she wants to trade this old cockerel in,
andy Burgess Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.... I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral Of This Story ? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance! brilliant , the old ones are the best , in more ways than one lol
ghostrider Posted July 28, 2015 Author Report Posted July 28, 2015 YOU WILL LOVE THIS....3 Naked men in a sauna: an american japenese and irishman.They hear a beepin sound, The american touches his arm n says 'Thats my pager, I have a microchip under my skin'. Next a phone rings n the Japenese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says 'I have a microchip in my hand'. The irishman, now feelin very lowtech, goes to the toilet and comes back with loo paper hangin from his *expletive removed* he says 'Oh jaysus, would u look at that,Im getting a fax!. Bed time training early tomorrow Catch u all later Atb
ghostrider Posted July 28, 2015 Author Report Posted July 28, 2015 Bloke says to wife "your ar*e is the size of a 3 burner BBQ", later in bed he says "fancy a *expletive removed*?" wife says "No point lighting a BBQ for half a fu**in sausage!!! Night
Ian McKay Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 WIVES - BAH HUMBUG. When your best mate steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her..................After mariage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin ; they just can't face each other,but they still stay together.................Wives inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them..................The great question, which I have not been able to answer......is, " What does a wife want ? ".................I had some words with my wife, and she had some pargraphs with me..................Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant, two times a week.A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays..................There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage....................I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't....................Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming. 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it. 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.....................The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....................You know what I did before I got married ? Anything I wanted to......................My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met again.......................A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong........................Classifieds : " Wife wanted." Next day he receieved a hundred letters. All said the same thing : " You can have mine."BRIAN REEVES
paddymac Posted July 29, 2015 Report Posted July 29, 2015 A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.... I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and- BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit......Third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral Of This Story ? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance! Cracker :emoticon-0136-giggle:
ghostrider Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Posted July 29, 2015 In the Inverness job centre a man saw a vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant.He asked for details and was thrilled to learn that the duties are to include preparing female patients as follows:- 1. Remove their underwear.2. wash and shave their nether regions.3. Rub oil on the shaved areas.The salary is quated at £ 10,000 a month.The man is then instructed to go to Plymouth and he asks" Oh why, is that where the job is ?"The counter clerk replies " No, that's where the back of the queue is". ;D
ghostrider Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Posted July 29, 2015 Chili Cook-Off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
paddymac Posted July 29, 2015 Report Posted July 29, 2015 In the Inverness job centre a man saw a vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant.He asked for details and was thrilled to learn that the duties are to include preparing female patients as follows:- 1. Remove their underwear.2. wash and shave their nether regions.3. Rub oil on the shaved areas.The salary is quated at £ 10,000 a month.The man is then instructed to go to Plymouth and he asks" Oh why, is that where the job is ?"The counter clerk replies " No, that's where the back of the queue is". ;Dbrilliant :emoticon-0136-giggle:
fid Posted July 29, 2015 Report Posted July 29, 2015 A Scots lad takes his new girlfriend home for the first time, he walks into the livingroom and says this is Amanda, his faither shoots out his seat "its a f@k!n WHAT.
TheHigg Posted July 29, 2015 Report Posted July 29, 2015 Chili Cook-Off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd havereacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
TheHigg Posted July 29, 2015 Report Posted July 29, 2015 I know how judge number 3 feels I've just peeshed myself :emoticon-0136-giggle:
ghostrider Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Posted July 29, 2015 A wife decides that she wants to dress sexy for her husband and when he gets home from work he finds her sat on the sofa. She opens her legs and as her husband glances across he says " Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"" Yes " She purrs sseductively." Thank God for that" he replys " I thought that the sofa had burst."
ghostrider Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Posted July 29, 2015 Jock takes his wife to casualty.She's no teeth, a broken nose and 2 black eyes. Dr says whats happened ?Jock says "She was going through the change."Dr says "That dosent happen with the change."Jock replies "It does when its in my fu**ing pockets."
ghostrider Posted July 29, 2015 Author Report Posted July 29, 2015 MAGIC TABLE..A guy sees a table for sale in a shop window £400.He goes in and says to shopkeeper,shouldnt table say £40, No says shopkeeper its £400 cos its a magic table. "watch" he says. How much money have i got in my pocket? table jumps up and down 10 times, shopkeeper empties his pockets and has exactly £10. The guy is not convinced,so asks the table his own question. How much money has my wife got in her bank account? The table goes berserk jumping up and down the shop for 5 minutes. " jesus" exclaims the guy,where the hell did all that money come from. All of a sudden,,,, the legs fell apart and the draws fell down . Hope u enjoyed them
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now