Ian McKay

Your no allowed on here :wacko:

1236 for me :emoticon-0138-thinking:

It's an OPEN forum not a private one :emoticon-0138-thinking:

PAY RISE The maid of a wealthy family asks the Lady of the house for a pay increase. Tha Lady asks her " Why do you want a pay increase ?" The maid replies," There are three reasons why I want one," The first is, " I iron better than you." The Lady," Who said you iron better than me ?" Reply," Your husband did." The second is, " I am a better cook than you." The Lady, " Nonsense, who said you cook better than me ?" Reply," Your husband." The third is, " I am much better at sex than you in bed." The Lady," And I suppose my husband said that as well." Reply," No, Your brother in law." The lady, " So, how much do you want ?" BRIAN REEVES

But try tellin the DVLA / Insurance company / Driver we cannot pay full price as a lot of members are not sending Hon / Fuel servicing / Mot / and all other costs do not get reduced because you are not sending the total bill for racing must be paid at the end of the day or you go bust If I were to join a golfr club and only play 3/4 rounds a year do you think I will get cheaper fees? I could go on and on

What are you trying to say Alan what Fed /Club / Union has not got falling membership

I thought £130 in one was going to be a problem to Walter but the first night my club called a meeting to pay our fees I was shocked as it must have been a record attendance I just sat in amazement so had to change my mind :emoticon-0138-thinking:

Happt Birthday guy's hope you have a nice one :emoticon-0123-party:

I clearly stated our Fed Fees Everyone has Club (£20)& SHU fees (£18) I was against it at the onsett but have changed my mind it is the best thing that our Fed has done Sec don't collect money every week and have to forward it to Fed Treasurer Amount of flying members got nothing to doo with it

Aberdeen Fed charge £130 per loft and ALL birds are included for all Fed races It's brilliant Fed get all fees in at the start of year If they include SNFC races in the averages they are included in you Fed fee We don't charge for clock setting We have plenty room if you want to move :emoticon-0136-giggle:

WAYNE ROONEY GOES HORSE RIDING Wayne Rooney decides to try horseback riding, even though he hasn't had any lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.It galops along at a steady rhythmic pace as his wife stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slide...s down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. His wife stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconciousness when to his great fortune the Tesco security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

NIGHTDRESSES CAN BE FATAL A husband walks into Anne Summers to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several negligee's that range from £200 to £500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks ( she is no dummy ), " I've an idea.... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself." She appears on the balcony and strikes a pose. " What do you think darling she asks him, I think it is beautifull." The husband says, " Good grief !!!, You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it." He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday at noon.

HOW I LOST MY TEETH ? I was in the pub last night, leaning on the bar waiting for a beer,when a big butt - ugly blonde old girl came up behind me and slapped my butt. She said," Hey sexy, how about a drink and giving me your phone number." I looked at her and said, " Do you have a pen ?" She said, " I sure do baby." I said," Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices your missing." My dental surgery is on Monday.

Well done Frank nice gesture :emoticon-0137-clapping: :emoticon-0137-clapping:

BLONDE ON THE BUS A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf b@lls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking down between his legs at his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, " It' golf b@lls." She continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, " Does it hurt as much as Tennis Elbow ?" Last edited by BRIAN REEVES on Thu Mar 12, 2015 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total. BRIAN REEVES

Welcome to PB hope you enjoy :emoticon-0137-clapping: :emoticon-0137-clapping:

Welcome to the site and the Doo game papab :emoticon-0123-party:

Welcome REDCHEQHEN to your new job pay's not good but you can get promotion :emoticon-0138-thinking: :emoticon-0138-thinking:

Who dun it :emoticon-0138-thinking:

I spent 3 yrs trying to sot this out here and found the problem to be the power unit faulty It has a capacitor which was faulty open it and is it is bellowed on one end it needs replacing Never found a ring to work one day and not the next when they fail they fail Good luck

FONDLING IN BED After 20 years of marriage, a couple were laying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't for a very long time. it almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in loving voice, " That was wonderful darling, why did you stop ?" He said, " I found the remote." BRIAN REEVES

PHARMACIST'S MORNING Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. " What's up my darling," asked the loving husband. Tearfully she explained, " It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." Immediately, the husband drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology. Before he could more than a word or two, the Chemist told him," Now, just a minute mate, listen to my side of it." " This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to my car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get in for the keys." " Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later,when I was about three streets away from the store, I had a flat tyre." " When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing." He continued, " Then I had to break open a bag of £1 coins to give change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick them up and the phone was still ringing. When I got up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke." " Meanwhile the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." BRIAN REEVES

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN A teacher asks her 3rd. grade class to name things ending in " tor " ....... and also eats things. First little boy said," Alligator. " " Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, " Predator." " Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, " Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, " That is a very big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything." " Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow." BRIAN REEVES

STAY OFF YOUR BICYCLE My wife found out that our dog ( a Schnauzer ) could hardly hear. She took it along to the veterinarian who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears,and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store and get some " NAIR " hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. She went to the store and bought some " NAIR " hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her," If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deoderant for a few days." She told him she was not going to use it under her arms. The pharmacist said," If you are using it on your legs,don't use body lotion for a couple of days." She told him she was not going to use it on her legs either. " If you must know, I am going to use it on my lovely Schnauzer." He said," Well don't ride your bicycle for at least a week." BRIAN REEVES

ROYAL MARINES VERSUS ISIS A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. " One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters." The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out for a few minutes, then silence. The voice calls out again, " One Royal Marine is better than 100 Isis S.O.B.' s. Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutesof battle, again silence. The voice calls out again," One Royal Marine is better than 1,000 Isis fighters. The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ......... then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells the commander. " Don't send any more men..... it's a trap. There's two of the barstewards." BRIAN REEVES