Roland

Yawn Yawn

A young shark and his dad were on the prowl when they see a few people swimming. dad immediately heads downwards and starts to circle. The youngster - bored with this action yet again stops his dad and asks 'Why do we before we kill our food, do the menacing circles, then the raising and showing of the dorsal fin, only to go down below and then attack'? 'Because' dad says' 'They taste better when they have had the crap scared out of them'

Ding dong roll on

Size

Sleep walking

was he drunk As a Skunk

Today's Wit These fit so well they should be in a dictionary. ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. and MY Favourite!! WRINKLES: Something other people have... similar to my character lines.

And finally Quote: Upcoming holiday party Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2010 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty Quote: Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2010 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree, and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty Quote: Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2010 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Quote: Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2010 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty Quote: Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2010 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian *expletive removed*!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!! Quote: Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2010 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

Pregnant Turkey *This is priceless - would love to do this.* One year at Christmas, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.....she's blonde!!!!!!

Never pee the vet off One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat". The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice, said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!’ Then he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting EVEN!! How fast are you? How fast can you guess these words? 1. BOO_S 2. _ _ NDOM 3. P_N_S 4. F_ _ K 5. PU_S_ 6. S_X Scroll down for answers. 1. BOOKS 2. RANDOM 3. PANTS 4. FORK 5. PULSE 6. SIX Dr Phil says, "if you got something different... you need help! TEN HUSBANDS & STILL A VIRGIN * NOW Husband # 11†A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please, be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" "Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver! "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method. "Husband # 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it. "Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.! "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him. " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why? "You're with the "GOVERNMENT".. This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!" My First Time.... I'll Never Forget It was my first time ever And I'll never forget I'd do it again without a single regret. The sky was dark The moon was high We were all alone Just she and I.. Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breasts. I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came. At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow . . .

Straw is good... but one must be mindful of any 'Tubing' as nasties can, and do, make a home in them.

lanarkshire lad Re - read, it is quoting an article written by the Canadian Vet on the Alberta Classic site. This I have made perfectly clear from the very first paragragth Quote: I read on the Alberta Classic this post from Gordon Chambers. Karl has said to in the past that I can use anything that may be of use / interest to pigeon fanciers. Hence I feel this may well be of an interest to many. Posted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:09 pm Post subject: Death of Newly Hatched Youngsters P.s. lanarkshire lad I'll forgive your oversight lol

Nah you can hear him a mile off HO HO HO.... beside he leaves muddy foot prints where his been ... Check the wifes side of the bed

lanarkshire lad says' ......... You clearly state you have used pads for years and never had any problems'. End of quote I say Behave lanarkshire lad If you state and can show that! Then I will donate £25 you any charity of your choice.

I don't know Tony... If they are yours i don't think you would take much persuading

'lanarkshire lad' what you on about I posted what might be of an interest to some fanciers. Especially those that have used and had dying youngsters a few days old! I, personally, have never used, nor am ever likely to, used any pads / felt etc. whatsoever. I use tobacco stalks, which I attest to. But for those that have lost youngster - and as the Felt Pads' are deemed responcible for many deaths I have just shed light and another angle to it from a renowned and respected Vet and pigeon fancier..

I read on the Alberta Classic this post from Gordon Chambers. Karl has said to in the past that I can use anything that may be of use / interest to pigeon fanciers. Hence I feel this may well be of an interest to many. Posted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 10:09 pm Post subject: Death of Newly Hatched Youngsters -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is likely that a number of fanciers are getting ready to pair their birds to have early YBs for darkening. In the past there have been problems with nest pads that were re-used. Some of the re-used pads in past years have been contaminated with E. coli organisms which have entered the still wet navel of newly hatched YBs and killed them at 1-2 days of age. At the present time, it appears that some of the new nest pads themselves have been the culprits responsible for these early deaths. A US veterinary colleague who does a lot of work with pigeons has advised me that he has seen numerous such cases. It seems that the problem varies quite a bit depending on where the pads are produced. Those from eastern European countries are apparently the worst. The newly hatched YBs die of respiratory failure from the inhalation of presently unidentified toxic fumes left over from the manufacture of the pads. Newly hatched YBs have their beaks resting directly on the nest pad, and hence inhale a far greater amount of the solvent vapours than their parents do. This fact, plus an immature respiratory system, make the YBs vulnerable to any inhaled toxin, such as solvent vapours. At post mortem affected YBs have very red, WET lungs caused by the inhalation of these toxic vapours. If they survive past 4 days of age, they are usually fine. The most practical solution is to remove the offending pads, find some other type of bedding, and wash and dry the nest bowls thoroughly before they are re-used. Avoiding the pads and using some other type of nesting material seems to solve the problem. As I said the toxins responsible for these losses are presently unidentified. I have wondered if thoroughly washing all such the pads in soap and hot water and drying them in the sun might be one answer also. I am going to try this approach in the coming year. I have used pads for years and have never encountered this problem but I will be a lot more cautious with their use from now on. Does anyone know where to buy known safe nest pads? Thanks. Gord.

Yep, very true Bigda .... But remove the ring first ... unless you last a few years back of course in case you forget. See dozens at the markets being bought by the Asians for dinner, only a few pence each at that. Still everyone to their own and what dinner they Like guess.

Yep Christmas day was my dad's date of birth 1910. Couldn't fly a kite. But was a happy chappie with his pigeons.

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter. It must be true because the squirrels are gathering NUTS. Three of my friends have disappeared. Are you O.K.?

Think some will like these. http://www.economist.com/node/21013330

Well, it is amazing how much money people have to spend on pigeons. The Jos Thone auction that took place in Belgium this weekend average him OVER $ 13,000 EACH for a toatal of 134 pigeons. The man grossed over 1,323,780 EURO = £1,127,333.36 - $1,763,010.20 Canadian - USA 1,732,395.03 USD

Oh yes more than better, very good!