A Few More

[Roland]

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping clothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

 

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

 

"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

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One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

 

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

 

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

 

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

 

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

 

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

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`` The scoop on`` Le Poop...

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the

stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go

quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to

the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

 

Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a

question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and

a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"

 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss

nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

 

Sorry Bob... eye could dent heap me self...

Ernie

 

Posts: 237

Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:46 pm

 

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The 3 wonders of nature

 

A rabbits don't drink water but pees... A hen drinks water but doesn't pee

 

A donkey craps a square turd out of a round *expletive removed*!

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me

Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for

her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's

door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is

backing up puttng the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel

Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march

down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed

up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and

they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands

Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of

plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,

wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little

package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into

laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and

approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a

straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave

you yesterday...

 

 

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

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Just got this from a friend:

 

Subject: lol

What marriage is about ...

 

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old

man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

 

He placed one half in front of his wife.

 

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles

and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down

between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people

around them kept looking over and whispering.

 

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple--all they can

afford is one meal for the two of them."

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely

offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were

just fine--They were used to sharing everything.

 

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She

sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

 

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

 

This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

 

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the

young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single

bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

 

She answered

 

"THE TEETH."

[buster151]

Brilliant :D

[Kyleakin Lofts]

:)

[paddymac]

Very good Roland :emoticon-0136-giggle:

[Roland]

Why Men Have Better Friends:

 

Friendship Between Women:

 

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

 

Something to think about and Part 2 will be added later. lol.

 

Part 2- Why Men Have Better Friends:

 

Friendship Between Men:

 

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

But with friends like these, who needs enemies. lol.

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And then the fight started....

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had

left my wallet at home.

 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home

and come back later.

 

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

 

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed

my Social Security application.

 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office.

 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have

gotten disability, too'

 

And then the fight started.....