Some I've Used

Roland · October 27, 2016

A couple of these I first heard on hear so to speak.

Still good for a laugh second time round, and better if first time.

Actually a couple came back that I'd posted earlier lol. So even lol. Enjoy.

Just bought an invisible baseball bat off ebay.

I cant wait for it to come, The wife wont know what the ****s hit her!!!

Irving was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

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Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and Â£250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

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Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize. "Hello, darling," he said, "What are you making for dinner?"

"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison."

Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."

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Miriam was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Sidney. "Sidney, you've been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I'm going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes." "I can't do that, darling," Sidney said. "You're a size 16 and she's only a 10."

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that â€“ 2 : 30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.....

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner - talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says "How do you know?" He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up!"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Spent Â£40 on Ebay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some swine sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had Â£1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet...

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my *expletive removed*! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow."Â

I said, "You're obviously not listening..."

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty ward. It's turn out the new Dyson Ball Cleaner isnâ€™t what I thought it was.

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days. I told him, I wish I had your will power.'