ghostrider Posted July 25, 2015 Report Posted July 25, 2015 Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. They go straight to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help."Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag for me"The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud 'Splat!'As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head."Fock dat," says Paddy, "dis budgie jumpin' is way too dangerous for me..."A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun."Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean's mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.Paddy shakes his head and says to himself, "An oim never troyin' dat parrotshootin' oider."After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'.Danny pulls a large chicken out of the bag. He puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with the same disastrous result. Once more Paddy shakes his head."For da loife of me Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin', den Seamus parrotshootin' and now you fockin henglidin'!"Off he went, heading for the safety of his local pub.
cemetary Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 Some crackers lads, what a change, keep them coming. :lol: :lol:
Ian McKay Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 One for Delboy RULES are RULES ?? A Scottish Jew soon about to retire decided to take up pigeon racing, so he applied for membershipat his local Racing Pigeon Club.About a weel later he received a letter saying that his application had been rejected.He went along to the club to enquire as to why and was introduced to the Secretary.Secretary : You are aware that this is a Scottish Pigeon Club ?Scot : Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, my name is MacTavish.Secretary : Do you know that on some formal occasions we wear a kilt ?Scot : Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.Secretary : Are you also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt ?Scot : Aye, and neither do I.Secretary : Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room after doing a Charity Run ?Scot : Aye, I also do the same.Secretary : But you are a Jew.Scot : Aye, I be that.Secretary : So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct ?Scot : Aye, I be that, too.Secretary : I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in a steam roomwith you, since your private parts are different from theirs.Scot : Ach, I know that you have to be a protestant to march with the Orangemen. I also know that youhave to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that you haveto be a complete pr@ck to join a Pigeon Club.On the other hand it makes sense that you would have tobe a complete pr@ck to want to join a Pigeon Club, GOODBYE.BRIAN REEVES
cemetary Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 RULES are RULES ?? A Scottish Jew soon about to retire decided to take up pigeon racing, so he applied for membershipat his local Racing Pigeon Club.About a weel later he received a letter saying that his application had been rejected.He went along to the club to enquire as to why and was introduced to the Secretary.Secretary : You are aware that this is a Scottish Pigeon Club ?Scot : Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, my name is MacTavish.Secretary : Do you know that on some formal occasions we wear a kilt ?Scot : Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.Secretary : Are you also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt ?Scot : Aye, and neither do I.Secretary : Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room after doing a Charity Run ?Scot : Aye, I also do the same.Secretary : But you are a Jew.Scot : Aye, I be that.Secretary : So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct ?Scot : Aye, I be that, too.Secretary : I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in a steam roomwith you, since your private parts are different from theirs.Scot : Ach, I know that you have to be a protestant to march with the Orangemen. I also know that youhave to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that you haveto be a complete pr@ck to join a Pigeon Club.On the other hand it makes sense that you would have tobe a complete pr@ck to want to join a Pigeon Club, GOODBYE.BRIAN REEVES Eye, a herd, he was trying to Join a club up NORTH TAE ^_^
Ian McKay Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 Warning about what you buy on eBAY Be careful what you buy on eBay.If you buy on line, check out the seller carefully.I just spent £95, plus postage, on a willy enlarger.They sent me a magnifying glass with instructions," DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT."BRIAN REEVES
Ian McKay Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 GOD BLESS THE SCOUSERS " As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, " I still prefer my pub back home in Glasgow. There's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his wayfor the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."" Ahhhh, dat's nothin," said Paddy Sheehan the Irishman. " Back home in me favoritepub in Galway, after you buy three drinks, the landlord will buy the next two.""Well you two", said the Englishman from Liverpool, in my pub in Walton, when youbuy two drinks the landlord will buy the next three drinks, then when you have hadenough he will give you a meal for free, then take you upstairs and see that you getlaid. All on the House." The Scotsman and the Irishman were suspicious of the claims, asking, " Did thisactually happen to you ? "" Not me personally, " admitted the Scouser, " but it did happen to my sister quite afew times."
Ian McKay Posted July 28, 2015 Report Posted July 28, 2015 A sad reality This morning I was sitting on the beach next to a homeless man.I asked him how he had ended up this way.He said," Up until last week, I still had it all."A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed,I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, I went to the gym, the pool,the library, I could still go to school.I asked him, " What happened ? Drugs ? Alchohol ? Divorce ?Oh No, nothing like that he said. No ,No, No........ they released me from prison.BRIAN REEVES
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