greenlands

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Happy birthday.

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Happy birthday.

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A bloke is driving around the back streets of London and he sees a sign in front of a broken down old house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ... 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the bloke recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the MI5. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a load of medals.' 'I got married, had a litter of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The bloke is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten quid' the bloke says. 'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been as far as the back gate!!!

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Happy birthday.

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Religion Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten". A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted". Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again". Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner". Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..." "I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian"......

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I usually put condis crystals in the bath water, something I've always done, not sure of the benefit, some say it keeps lice at bay.

Happy Birthday Andy.

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Happy birthday.

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 7 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without. Send extra sauce.

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Good morning.

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ..............But I fish on Fridays.