ALF

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife's. ''What happened to her?'' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her' He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' The man replied, 'Get in line.' ;D ;D ;D ;D

NAW :P ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Maybe he thought the dwarf story was a secret and naebody noticed ??) ??) :X :X :X :X ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Not long aff the phone to Dougie and let the mrs speak tae him as she deals with stuff like this in her work and she told him to hit them with the sale of goods act 1971 re..faulty goods and that it should still be under warranty from the store and he should be allowed to get it changed or repaired and to tell them he was going to trading standards about it ??) ;) ;D ;D ;D

got mine thursday morning ok

been down from 8.58 till a minute ago for me :o

247

234 ;D ;D

225 ;D ;D ;D

224 the noo another record 8) 8) 8)

Dont be daft :P ;D ;D ;D ;D

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting comment ator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

:P :P ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I'll bet ye pigeonboyono1 was talking aboot lanarkshire ya dafty :P ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

RIP Bobby

He's no in oor fed :P ;D ;D ;D ;D

Terrible news for any parents to hear..may she rest in peace

Well it should only take a minute to sort it oot should it no :-/ :P

So is he getting back on the site??? Am only asking as i see the thread about him is away now :-/ :-/ :-/ :-/ :-/

NAW :P 3 different judges :P :P ;D ;D ;D ;D

mare sh!t ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

i done my y/b loft last week for the 1st time since before i went on holiday on the 24th of september last year (hens are in it just now ) Doos look great and loft was dry 8) The stock loft floor husnae been scraped since last january but the boxes were done a fortnight ago before i paired them up and the old bird loft still husnae been cleaned since the middle of september and birds are looking well in there tae ;) ps...i have took a 1st at every show i went to this winter so not scraping husnae done them any harm at all ;)

Try using used engine oil on porous wood it works wonders and costs nothing Goes on like gloss paint and the rain just runs off it easy i done my y/b loft with it and wont be buying any wood presever or paint for them again i'll tell you that much ;) ;)

maybe they were prawn crackers ??) :X ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Just because he missed a drugs test Bakes disnae make him guilty although i dinnae think he helped himself at the time ;D ;D ;D