Joke

[sapper756]

http://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gifC,mon, lets have some jokes folks http://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/wink.gif

 

 

 

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

 

 

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

 

Archie nods approvingly.

 

 

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

 

 

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

 

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

 

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

 

 

[bibendium]

woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

 

 

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

 

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

 

Boy - "I have a baseball."

 

Man - "That's nice."

 

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

 

Man - "No, thanks."

 

Boy - "My dad's outside."

 

Man - "OK, how much?"

 

Boy - "$250."

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

 

 

Boy - "It's dark in here."

 

Man - "Yes, it is."

 

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

 

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

 

Boy - "$750."

 

Man - "Fine."

 

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

 

 

The boy says, "I can't. I old them."

 

 

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

 

 

The son says "$1,000."

 

 

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

 

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

 

 

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

 

The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again!"

[Delboy]

[bibendium]

man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a

house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders

the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed

be gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the

bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an

escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he

wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy

him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very

dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you".

 

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in

my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had

any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love

you too."

[retired]

:lol:

 

That one brought a smile to my sour face

[JohnQuinn]

Old MacDonald had tourettes

 

E. I. E. I. *expletive removed*

[bibendium]

Old MacDonald had tourettes

 

E. I. E. I. *expletive removed*

PMSL :lol: :lol:

[JohnQuinn]

I Braked hard but i still hit the car in front!

A cute blonde got out of it and shouted " Aye ram me up the A**e why don't you???

 

This your Honour i believe is where the confusion began!!

[bibendium]

McGregor the farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whisky.

 

'Ye see that fence over there?' he says to the barman. 'Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No...'

 

He gulps down the whisky and orders another. 'Ye see that pier on the loch?' He continues, 'Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No.'

 

'But ye sh*g ONE sheep....'

[JohnQuinn]

man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a

house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders

the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed

be gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the

bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an

escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail

and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he

wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy

him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very

dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you".

 

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in

my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had

any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love

you too."

 

 

 

LMAO

[Delboy]

*expletive removed* brilliant

[Guest BRYANBROCK]

Scotsman English man and irish man were on holiday in spain went to a brothel says on the door pay by the inch

 

So the english lad says i have some of that goes in comes out

says to the other 2 lads 12 euros

 

Irish lad goes in comes out told them 10 euros

 

Scots lad goes in comes out says to the other 2 only 2 euros

they said how did you mange that

 

He says easy i paid on the way out

[kirky cowboy]

guy who owns pub had custom of having snuff on bar for customers but noticing that he was running out he went into toilet and broke wee bits of sh.te of pans and mixed it with snuff.first guy came in and taking a bit of snuff said to barman can you smell sh.te.barman no.next guy comes in first guy to second guy can you smell sh.te.second guy no.second guy takes bit of snuff and says by f...k that snuffs good a can smell that sh.te noo..

[jack]

woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

 

 

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."

 

The man whispers, "Yes, it is."

 

Boy - "I have a baseball."

 

Man - "That's nice."

 

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

 

Man - "No, thanks."

 

Boy - "My dad's outside."

 

Man - "OK, how much?"

 

Boy - "$250."

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

 

 

Boy - "It's dark in here."

 

Man - "Yes, it is."

 

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

 

Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"

 

Boy - "$750."

 

Man - "Fine."

 

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

 

 

The boy says, "I can't. I old them."

 

 

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

 

 

The son says "$1,000."

 

 

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

 

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

 

 

The boy says, "It's dark in here."

 

The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again!"

very good

[sapper756]

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"

The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"

He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the weekhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gifhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gifhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif

 

 

[Guest REDFOXKRAUTHS]

A guy goes into a brothel and says to the women at the desk, “its my first time, I want a quiet one who doesn’t make much noise and doesn’t talk.â€

 

The women replies, “ I have just the one for you follow meâ€

 

He goes into a dark room, and has wild sex, the bests he’s ever had, as he finished, he turned on the light to see the women, and found her foaming at the mouth. He panics and shouts to the lady at the desk, who rings the manager and says “ the dead ones full again you going to have to come and empty herâ€

[bibendium]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born

without ears.

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was

invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little

Johnny's

dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the

baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking

of

his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he

understood

completely.

 

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

 

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

 

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

 

"Yes",the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have

20/20 vision."

 

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f****d if he needed

glasses."

[sapper756]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born

without ears.

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was

invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little

Johnny's

dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the

baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking

of

his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he

understood

completely.

 

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

 

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

 

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,

a

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

 

"Yes",the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have

20/20 vision."

 

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f****d if he needed

glasses."

 

http://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gifhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gifhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gifhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gifhttp://forum.pigeonbasics.org/public/style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif like it!

[bibendium]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*stard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*se down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started"