Ian McKay

Grandma and Granpa were visiting their kids overnight. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagrs in his son's medicine cabinet, and asked him about useing one of the pills. The son said," I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive". " How much ?" asked Grandpa. "£10, a pill " answered the son. " I don't care," said Grandpa, " I'd still like to try one, I have heard a lot about them, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Next morning the son found £110 under the pillow. He called his Grandpa and said, " I told you each pill was £10, not £110." " I know " said Grandpa. The hundred is from your Grandma."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese retaurant, and order the " Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down. " Good grief, did you see that ? " she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed , he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. " Please Sir." says the waiter, " what did you order ?" The husband replies, " Chicken Surprise." " Ah ! So sorry," says the waiter, " I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the Wife and nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him," Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end of the stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, " If you had put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding in the bus, so shut up."

Just done it Cheers Andy

Thanks

Any takers

Confession. Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says... " You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

When I heard it I thought of you 2 :emoticon-0136-giggle:

Paddy says to Mick I am thinking of buying a labrador Mick says F*** that have you seen how many of their owners go blind :emoticon-0136-giggle:

Come on the Dandy Dons :emoticon-0137-clapping: :emoticon-0123-party:

They met at the singles club and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after - dinner drink.Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor. Maude soon joined Claude in his bed. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts........ Claude was thinking : " If I had known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking : " If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off."

Cherie Blair is touring in Ireland in a chauffer - driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Cherie in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffer : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffer gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Cherie. The chauffer walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Cherie. The chauffer replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say ?" asks Cherie. " I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Cherie Blair's chaufer and I've just killed the cow."

:pidge: :pidge:

:santa-dance: :santa-dance:

Peter is a person with a big heart and has helped numerous charities, ie drugs, families, homeless, and recently took his dog to the vet as it had a life threatening illness and was paralysed. Whilst away at the vet, someone boarded his boat and took his belongings and then set fire to his boat. Sadly Peter did not have any insurance on his barge, as like a lot of us he used his money to pay for the vet to save his dog. The boat has now been removed from the waterway and he has no money to retrieve it so that he can try to rebuild it. The boat was originally built in memory of his mother. At this moment in time he is homeless, does not receive benefits and is at a total loss as to what to do next. We feel that he deserves to be helped and this is why we are appealing to you to help him get back onto his boat. We thank you all in anticipation of your help. If you would like to donate here is the link http://www.gofundme.com/8r4cy2bvs A donation will be made on behalf of Pigeon Basics

One day Shaun, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish Whikey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says " Could you taste this for me please ?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swollows it. " Does that taste sweet to you ?" says Shaun. " No, not at all," says the chemist. " Oh that's a relief," says Shaun. " The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Just checked it is a District bird so it's back to Gibby :emoticon-0179-headbang:

That's the main thing :emoticon-0123-party:

I am sure the powers at be will be watching hope they learn :emoticon-0136-giggle:

Great hope next weeks lib is as good you might get promotion :emoticon-0138-thinking:

Bit late but mornin all been away tossing :emoticon-0138-thinking: :emoticon-0138-thinking:

Practising your liberation skills Alan !!!!What job are you after :emoticon-0136-giggle:

:emoticon-0136-giggle: :emoticon-0136-giggle:

Patricia and a top lawyer are sitting next to each other on a train going to London. He thinks blonde women are so dumb that he could pull one over on her easily. He asks her if she would like to play a fun game to pass the time away. The lawyer says," I will ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you give me £5. then you ask me one and if I don't know I will give you £100." Patricia agrees so the lawyer says," What is the distance from the earth to the moon ? " She does not know so she hands him £5. " Now it is your turn he says to her." She thinks for a minute and says," What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four ?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he could find on the net. He sends E - mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.In the end he gives up and gives her £100. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer so he asks her," What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four." She smiles at him and says," I don't know and hands him a £5." Don't mess with blonde women.

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him... he looks down at him and says : " 7' tall, 300 pounds, 10 inch w illy and three pound of testicles, Turner Brown." The little Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him....The big guy says,"What's wrong with you ?" In a weak little voice the little guy says,"What exactly did you say to me ?" The big dude says," Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me... I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh 300 pounds, I have a 10 inch w illy and three pounds of testicles and my name TURNER BROWN." The little Irishman says : " Turner Brown ?... sweet Jesus..... I thought you said " TURN AROUND."