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ghostrider

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Everything posted by ghostrider

  1. This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the *duck* is that?" The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, f*** me! How big are the cats?"
  2. A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction "85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday
  3. All out before Dinner Bet there feeling a bit under the :emoticon-0156-rain:
  4. R.I.P
  5. Broad 8.15...9.3 overs Wood 1.13...3 Finn 1.21...6
  6. Or swap... For some good SVR Mardon/Ron Hilcote/Cauldwell lines. Or Gevaerts...Terry Mc Geechans lines... Or cash for the right sooties
  7. Newbury...is our destination,to me ..120.997yds Sending 10 cocks,5 hens,hopefully...after two forty mile chucks,wed/thurs Weather upto now looks good ...again a west wind,by the looks of it!
  8. WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST > > The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question, > 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?' > Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'. > 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' > Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first'. > 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said. > > > Little Johnny raised his hand and said, > 'Sister, I think it's your feet'. > The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' > Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, > 'Oh! God, I'm coming! > '... and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'. > > The Nun fainted
  9. is met at Dover by a genie who grants him 3 wishes "I want a lot of food", he says, and a banquet appears "I want a big house", he says, and a mansion with a swimming pool appears "I want to be British" he says, and everything disappears "Where's everything gone?" he asks The genie replies "You're British now, you get xxxx all"
  10. Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
  11. Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
  12. If you are over 40 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test. See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. H_ MP 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S Scroll for answers Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. HEMP 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you? You do NOT have Alzheimer’s. But there seems to be something wrong with you.
  13. An old retired Sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the Docks, once more for old time sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy of his age. But needing some reassurance, he asks," how am I doing"? The prostitute replies, " well old Sailor, your doing about 3 knots". Three Knots he asks, " What's that suppose to mean"? She says, " Your Knot hard, Your Knot in, and Your Knot getting your money back.
  14. Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had Given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an English girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman. God Bless English Women
  15. The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. [click] [click] Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" Have a nice day!
  16. A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
  17. Superman was bored, so thought he would check around his Superhero mates and hang out. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him. A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman. As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my backside hurts like hell!"
  18. What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? About 2.3 pounds including the urn. -------------------------------------------------------------------- A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?' A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!' ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'. He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'. She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'. His wife replies 'You've got a bigger todger than your brother
  19. £1 a bird in both clubs
  20. That's right I get my rings from them Bigger rings/inside diameter bigger.
  21. Advocate XL for my greyhound 30kg And the only thing that advocate does not wipe out is..tapeworm 3 tablets £44,
  22. An irish bloke goes for a job interview, “I want you to answer 2 questions†said the interviewer! “Question 1, if I poked you in one eye what would you beâ€? Partially sighted said paddy. “question 2, if I poked you in both eyes what would you beâ€? Totally blind said paddy. “ brilliant you can have the job. Paddy went into the pub and saw Pat, “what you doin here†“ I am going for an interviewâ€. “they will ask you 2 questions, just rember partially sighted and totally blind and you will walk it†Paddy goes in and the interviewer said “what would you be if I cut off one of your ears†“partially sighted sir†“ok, if cut off your other ear what would you beâ€? “totally blind sirâ€. How can cutting off your ears make you blind Patâ€? the interviewer asked.†Because my cap would fall over my eyes sirâ€
  23. "Went for my routine check-up today" "Is everything o.k." "Everything seemed to be going o.k. until he stuck his finger up my jacksi" "Well,thats normal procedure mate" "So you dont think i should change my dentist then?"
  24. Mother takes her young son to the Zoo for his very first time. As kids do little Billy is asking plenty of questions.'Mum whats that big tall orange looking animal' "Thats a Giraffe Billy" says mum. "Whats that thing on its back" asks Billy at the next enclosure looking at the Tortoise "That is the Tortoise's shell and home Billy, it keeps him safe" Next they go to the Elephant enclosure, Billy asks "whats that big long thing on it's nose". "That's his trunk Billy he uses it for lifting things ,putting food in his mouth and washing himself" Then Billy asks "whats that big thing between his legs" his mother very embarressed after noticing that being breeding season the male Elephant has an erection says 'oh thats nothing Billy,now come along" The following year Billy goes back to the Zoo this time with his Father.Billy asks all the same questions as they go from enclosure to enclosure. When they again come to the Elephant enclosure Billy asks about the Elephants trunk and his Father explains. Then Being breeding season again Billy asks about the big thing between the Elephants legs. His father tells Billy "that's his d*ck" Billy says "but mum said it was nothing" 'Ah' says Billys Father 'thats because your mother has been spoiled"
  25. looked out my window i seen 4 rangers fans playing football with a cat . i was about to phone the rspca .when the cat went 1 -0 up
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