Time for a laugh eh!

[Roland]

The Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.

The Department of Wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

_________________

 

Little boy at the nude beach.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women Have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

 

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

 

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

 

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1 God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

 

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

 

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

 

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to

chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

 

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

 

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of

plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

 

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of

that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

her head.

 

Dublin Girls,

 

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their

new wives duties.

 

The first man had married a woman from Cork and had told her that

she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of

days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes

washed and put away.

 

The second man had married a woman from Glasgow. He had given his wife

orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The

first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was

better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were

done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Oxford. He told her

that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn

mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said

the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher