A city cop +

[Roland]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl

On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

Violation.

The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector Light on the back

Of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did

Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next Year tell Santa the

Dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

 

 

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

 

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

 

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

 

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

(The Times)

 

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

 

Mrs. Irene Graham of   Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -

'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

 

 

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND

 

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

 

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

 

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

 

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

 

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

 

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

 

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

 

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

 

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

 

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

 

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

 

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

 

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

 

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move  ALL  belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your *expletive removed* sideways!'

 

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

 

 

  

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

 

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

 

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

 

Well, my job is done . . . . . Your turn.

 

 

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON FRIDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

 

YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

 

[OLDYELLOW]

very good  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Guest TAMMY_1]

very funny roland  ;D

[Guest Gareth Rankin]

Brilliant, lol  ;D ;D

[Ian McKay]

Nice one Roland

 

I liked the cop one one smart kid ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Guest 67ghirl]

Aaaarrrgggghhhhh.

I'll have to press all the buttons next time I phone the Hospital !!!! (evil)(evil)