Substitued from Welsh

[Roland]

Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?

A. Quite Pleasant

 

Q.Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?

A.They eat all the grass.

 

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING this with no one!"

 

The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".

 

A man was found by police laying dead on his front lawn wearing an All Blacks top, pink panties and a dildo up his *expletive removed*. The police removed the All Blacks top to save his family further embarrassment.

 

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is £200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're bull****ting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

 

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it.

"That's quite nice, don't you fink Trace?"

"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?"

"Viens a moi"

"VIENS A MOI, what the fock does that mean?"

At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.

"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,

"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?

 

What's geographically wrong with New Zealand? It's above sea level

 

There were three people in a boat, 1 chinaman, 1 new zealander, and 1 aussie. The boat began to sink, so they threw out cargo they didn’t need. The chinaman threw out some rice, saying "we’ve got heaps of rice in china" the nz'er threw out a sheep saying "we’ve got heaps of sheep in nz" and the aussie threw out the new zealander saying "we’ve got heaps of these in Australia".

 

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another visitor from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya bro?"  The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

Three maori's are in a ford falcon, one has a red bandana another a blue bandana and the last one has a moustache, which one’s driving? The Cop

 

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying?

Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.

What you hear and what it really means:

 

BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

 

BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"

 

BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours".

 

BUN BUTTUN - been bitten by insect

 

BUG HUT - popular recording

 

CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky

 

DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.

 

ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and "Libernon".

 

EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff

 

GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves.

 

LEATHER - foam from soap

 

SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes

 

COLOUR : Terminator, murderer.

 

CUSS : Kiss

 

DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

 

PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

 

ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

 

FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony".

 

PISSED aside - chemical that kills insects

 

PIGS - for hanging out washing

 

PUGS - pink animal with curly tail