joke

[ch pied]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From

> morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining

> about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out

> plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

>

>

> One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the

> field. He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began

> to eat his lunch.

>

> Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it

> just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both

> hind feet -- caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead

> on the spot.

>

> At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something

> rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he

> would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a

> male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake

> his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided

> to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister

> spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and

> agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with

> the men.

>

> The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something

> about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod

> my head in agreement."

>

> "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

>

> "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale." >>

[vanreets]

;D ;D ;D

[ch pied]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

 

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

 

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

 

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

 

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

 

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

 

"Shall we do it again?" he asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies,

"Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh** on its head."

[pigeonpete]

that was funny for you ch pied :-) :-)

[ch pied]

How the internet began

 

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began.

[ch pied]

It was a great night in Scotland. The whiskey was a flowing, bagpipes playing! The ladies dressed in their finest and the men in their best kilts. Old McTavish enjoyed every second.

On the way home being a wise man he decided to sleep it off under a tree. Early next morning two young girls walking along the path came upon McTavish fast asleep. They look at each other with a twinkle in their eyes and said “ I wonder?†they walked up to McTavish, lifted his kilt and there he was in all his natural spender. One of the girls took a red ribbon from her hair and gently tied around McTavish. They left with big smiles and giggles.

McTavish eventually woke up and had to do the natural thing. He stepped behind the tree, lifted his kilt and was surprised to see what was tied there. Then with pleasure he said “I don’t know where you have been or what you have done. But it is nice to see that you won first prizeâ€!

[ch pied]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year

old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons

of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is

the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting

on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the

tracks ".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, " We don't use

that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to

your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you

come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use

nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed

playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother

heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember to take

all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your

trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again

soon.". She heard her little darling continue..." for those of

you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train.

We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey

with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of

you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see

the *expletive removed* in the kitchen

[BLACK W F]

top marks Davy  high light of the night so far

[Guest strapper]

little johnny in class and the teacher as usual choose any other pupil to ask a question.

so one day the teacher said right class im gonna write some words on the board and you must add each word to that sentance. the words were ...defeat/deduct/defence/detail.

im gonna give you just 10mins to think of one.

after 10 mins of silence the teacher says right stop class.

right she says who has a sentance..johnny puts up his hand..me miss me!

quiet johnny lets not make a scene....no miss i have a sentence...ok johnny i hope this is worth it!

so johnny stands up and says............................

 

defeat of deduct goes under defence before detail! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[ch pied]

PMSL

[Guest G.Drysdale + son]

What's got 100 legs and 3 teeth? A methadone queue.                                                                                  

[jimmy white]

two old pigeon fanciers [partners] talking to each other ,, tom says to henry,,, " wonder if theres pigeon racing in heaven" henry says mm i wonder, ill tell you what well do, the first to go,, between the two of us,, let the other know ,, by any means possible,"  sadly tom passes away,,,poor henry doing the birds on his own,, when a wee blue hen says" henry,,its me",," tom ", "ive come down from heaven as this wee blue hen , just to let you know, i have good news and bad news for you" well tell me the good news first" says henry,, tom says " henry, my boy, there is pigeon racing in heaven"  ;D:),,",pigeon racing in heaven ,, great says tom" if thats the good news what can be worse news than that" ;D ;D ;D,,,,,,YOUR TIMING IN ON SAT SAYS TOM ;D ;D ;D

[Guest strapper]

WOW Strapper---Talk about Languages --rhat sounds like DEEP SOUTH USA Language

 

 

;D ;D ;D ;D

 

 

[vanreets]

The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, 'I can't make it, I'll get too tired.' Pigeon Spy story

 

His mother replied, 'Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.'

 

The baby started to cry.

 

'What's wrong?' asked the mother sympathetically.

 

'I don't want to end up being pigeon towed.'

[Guest G.Drysdale + son]

Good one Jimmy  ;D ;D ;D

[vanreets]

not a pigeon joke a funny as hell

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really pissed.

 

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

 

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Guest]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle when he accidentally shot his wife

He dialled 999 and said "It's moi woife, Oi accidentally shot her and I tink oi've killed her!"

"calm down Sir" said the operator, "Can you first make sure she is dead"

 

CLICK ................

 

BANG!!!!

 

"Roight" said Paddy, "Oi've done dat, Now what's next?"

[vanreets]

Paddy is cleaning his rifle when he accidentally shot his wife

He dialled 999 and said "It's moi woife, Oi accidentally shot her and I tink oi've killed her!"

"calm down Sir" said the operator, "Can you first make sure she is dead"

 

CLICK ................

 

BANG!!!!

 

"Roight" said Paddy, "Oi've done dat, Now what's next?"

 

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D