Qantas maintenance

[Tony C]

In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a

 

Plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe

 

Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

 

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form,

 

And then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

 

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

 

(marked with a P ) and the solutions recorded ( marked with an S ) by

maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an

accident.

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

 

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

 

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

 

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

 

S: Live bugs on back-order

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute

 

Descent.

 

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

 

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

 

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

 

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

 

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

 

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

 

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny

 

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

 

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

 

S: Cat installed.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

 

pounding on something with a hammer.

 

S: Took hammer away from midget

 

 

 

[pigeonpete]

very good, :-)