DENTIST +

[Roland]

 

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

 

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

 

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

 

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........She qualifies

 

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

 

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

 

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

 

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

 

But here's the worst of it --

 

 

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

 

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........she  qualifies - How about You?

 

Life after death...

 

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

 

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

 

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral,  she stopped in to see you.

 

Two Woodpeckers.

 

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 

 

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country ? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.