Vindaloo Is Cool ...

[Roland]

THE INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

 

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting India

 

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.

The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer tent when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

 

Here are the scorecards from the event:

 

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

 

FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried *******from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian blokes are crazy.

 

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour needs more peppers to be taken seriously

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

 

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry

 

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call Lucas Heights, I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels

like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

 

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

 

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

 

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

 

 

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

 

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must

admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement

 

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I f*arted and four people behind me needed

hospital treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning lips my lips off?

It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

 

Curry #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

 

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of

spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*se with a snow cone

 

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

 

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my shirt. At east during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Bugger it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

 

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

 

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all,

not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor chap, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: [No entry recorded]

 

And then there was Joey.

 

Joey was a very innocent man. He never had much luck with the women, until one night Joey was at the pub, and a very attracve women named Rachel approched him. They got on very well and organised to go out on a date.

Their date took them off to an Indian restaurant. They both order the hottest curry available. The night went well and once they had finished, they decided to go back to Joey’s place.

Once back at Joey’s, things went well, and off to the bedroom they went. Clothes off and into it they went. As Joey was a bit naive, it was the missonery position straight up. A few bumps and groans later, Rachel suggested that they get into the 69 position.

Joey was a bit taken back by Rachel’s forwardness, but agreed. Half a minute into it, Rachel lets off a fart that would straighten pubic hair. Joey was disgusted and said ‘what the hell was that’. ‘Sorry, it was the curry, it won’t happen again†replied Rachel. Half a minute later again, Rachel lets off a second fart that would peel paint from a wall. Joey, gagging for air, stops and says “what the hell was that’, ‘Sorry, it was the curry, it won’t happen again†replied Rachel. Once more, half a minute later again, Rachel lets off a third fart that that put Joey into tears.

Joey had enough and said “look Rachel, if this is a 69, I am not hanging around for 66 more…..’