The Lady Screams

[Roland]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

 

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

 

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

 

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

 

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,

'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,

'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

 

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter.

'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

 

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

 

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

 

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

 

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

 

No more blow jobs! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off! ...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

 

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

 

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.'

 

DENTIST

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!" The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

 

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra." The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

[Roland]

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says,"yeah, all the time."

The other says, "why is that;?

 

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

[blaz]

nice 1

 

jo and mick die and go to heaven god says to jo how faithful have you been to your wife.

jo said i have only cheated twice

 

god looks in his big book a says to jo yes i see just the twice .he the gives jo a mini cooper to drive about heaven.

 

god then asks mick the same question

 

mick says only the twice

 

god again picks up the big book .then turns to mick and says no thats wrong you have cheated on your wife 4 times.then gives him a lada to drive a round heaven

 

a few days later jo pulls up in his mini cooper .he sees mick with arms on roof of lada crying his eyes out

jo says no need to cry jo the lada is not that bad

 

mick says it is not that i just past my wife.she was on a f*****8

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