Best Since Well...

[Roland]

Best Tory joke since... well David himself lol

The year is 2013 ...

 

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister David Chameleon, has a heart attack and dies because the 'accident and emergency' dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Tory around these parts, hence not sure what to do with you'.

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says David ‘I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Chameleon

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ... all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degree. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it is Willie Whitelaw with Maggie Thatcher whom he quickly got aroused over with and thoughts of Bed…. and thousands of other conservative luminaries who had helped him out over the years ---Hesseltine, Duncan, Dave Davies even, etc. The whole of the

Tory Party leaders were there ...

(and all the Republicans and Capitalists from other parts of the world. Everyone was laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself even comes up to Dave with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Dave!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Chameleon, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

He takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Tory Party pulled

with their’ master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises. Indeed he seemed one of their’ very own!

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Dave steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Dave is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or

short-*expletive removed* joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! 'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Maggie never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.' With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Chameleon reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse

and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, face and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to David and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked David, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time… Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

 

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!