Jokes to keep you busy eh!

[Roland]

 

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically’? The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and after that ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that. So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college’! The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts’?!?!? then he asked the brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise. ‘What Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course’!

The brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy’? The boy pondered that for a few days, and then he went back to his dad. His father asked him, "did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically’? The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we are living with two sluts and a queer."

 

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent’. They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent’. They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't going to electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in’.

 

Recovering from an operation in a bush hospital, a farmer asked why the blinds were drawn. Well explained the doctor, there's a bushfire outside and I didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.

 

A henpecked husband had been ordered by his wife to buy only organic vegetables from the market garden. These vegetables are for my wife, he said have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals? No said the gardener you will have to do that yourself.

 

The vicar had not seen young Bill at Sunday school, so when he found the lad beside a country road minding his dad's cattle he thought it an appropiarate time to deliver an importune sermon. They are fine bullocks, Billy; do you know who made them? Dad did replied Bill Oh no the vicar smiled, God made those bullocks Billy’s shook his head ... God made them bulls dad made them bullocks!

 

Puzzled about his first lesson in evolution young Joey arrived home and said mom is it really true that I am a descendant of apes, monkeys and gorillas? ‘I don't really know darling’, she replied, ‘I never knew any of your father’s family’.

 

Two bored male casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, ‘Mama needs new clothes’! Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!" Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

 

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play,

Georgie Porgie ran away.

Naughty "Georgie Porgie"of the Stuart era!

The origins of the lyrics to "Georgie Porgie" are English and refer to the courtier George Villiers, 1st duke of Duke of Buckingham (1592–1628). King James I took Villiers as his lover and nicknamed him "Steenie" (a reference to St. Stephen whom in the Bible describes as having the "face of an angel"). Villier's good looks also appealed to the ladies and his highly suspect morals were much in question!

Affair with the married lady - the Queen of France!

Villiers most notorious affair was with his liaison with Anne of Austria, (1601–1666) who was the Queen of France and married to the French King Louis XIII badly injured both of their reputations. This, however, was overlooked due to his great friendship with the English King, James I (1586 - 1625). He was disliked by both courtiers and commoners, not least for helping to arrange the marriage of King James' son to the French Catholic princess Henrietta Maria (1609-1669) - he later became King Charles I (1600-1649). George Villiers (Georgie Porgie)exercised great influence over the King who allowed him many liberties. Villiers private liaisons and political scheming were questioned and Parliament who finally lost patience and stopped the King intervening on behalf of "Georgie Porgie". The romantic elements of of George Villiers and Anne of Austria are featured in the novel 'The Three Musketeers' by Alexander Dumas.

 

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with a little ladders hung on the side where the garden hose hung tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and cat.

The fireman walks over to take a closer look, ‘that’s a lovely fire engine’ he says admiringly.

‘Thanks ‘says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the carts strings to the dog’s collar and the other string to the cat’s testicles!

‘Little colleague’ says the firefighter, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope to the cats collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster’.

The little girl paused for a moment, looked at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looking into the firemans eyes and says….’You’re probably right, but I wouldn’t have a frigging siren then would I?

 

[homer]

couple of corkers in there!