Mum Taught me!

[Roland]

 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.  

I just finished cleaning.'

 

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

 

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.  

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you

Into the middle of  next week!'

 

4. My mother taught me  LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'

 

5.  My mother taught me MORE  LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,  

You're not going to the store with me.'

 

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  

'Make sure you wear clean underwear,

In case you're in an accident.'  

 

7. My mother taught me  IRONY.

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

 

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

 

9. My mother taught me  about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

 

10. My mother  taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that  spinach is gone.'

 

11. My mother  taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

 

12. My  mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times.

Don't exaggerate!'

 

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.  

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

 

14.  My mother taught me about  ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world

Who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

 

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.  

'Just wait until we get home.'

 

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.  

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

 

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.  

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going

To get stuck that  way.'

 

18. My mother taught me  ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think

I know when  you are cold?'

 

19. My mother  taught me HUMOUR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,  

Don't come running to me.'

 

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN  ADULT.  'If you don't eat your vegetables,

You'll never  grow up.'

 

21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.  'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'  

 

22. My mother taught me  WISDOM.  'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

 

23. And my favourite:   My mother taught me about  JUSTICE.  'One day you'll have kids, and I hope

They turn  out just like you.'

 

[Roland]

and for the Ladies...

The Facecloth                                                              

   This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There              

is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over                      

this!                                                                      

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the                  

week.  Early one morning, I received a call from the                      

doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled                    

for that morning at 9:30 am.  I had only just packed                      

everyone off to work and school, and it was already                        

around 8:45am.  The trip to his office took about 35                      

minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare As most                        

women do, I like to take a little extra effort over                        

hygiene when making such visits, but this time I                          

wasn't going to be able to                                                

make the full effort.  So, I rushed upstairs, threw                        

off my pyjamas,                                                            

wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink,                      

and gave myself a                                                          

quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least                        

presentable.  I                                                            

threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some                    

clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my                                

appointment..                                                              

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when                      

I was called in.  Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure                      

you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the                      

other side of the room and pretended that I was in                        

Paris or some other place a million miles away.  I was                    

a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have                      

made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' I                          

didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh                    

of relief and went home.  The rest of the day was                          

normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking After                          

school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she                        

called out                                                                

from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'                          

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.  She                      

replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the                          

sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'                              

   NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!      

[Merlin]

Very good Roland keep em coming,we all need a good laugh