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ghostrider

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  1. We're at Marlborough 120 miles Sending 15
  2. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn " Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." Good night,and God bless
  3. An oldie, but goodie... Red Rum and Shergar are having a pint. Red Rum said: "There I was, in the National, and I was running out of steam. In fact I was going to pull up. But there was this bloke in the crowd who shouted "come on Red Rum" and suddenly my spirits were lifted and I found the extra energy and went on to win". "Same thing happened to me", said Shergar "Three furlongs out in the Derby and I was beat. But this voice in the crowd shouted "come on Shergar", I immediately found an extra gear and the rest is history". At this point, Scurlogue (who had been patiently listening), joined the conversation. "Funny that", he said, "There I was at Catford one night, stone last and too much to find. I was about to stop chasing. Then a voice in the crowd shouted "come on Scurlogue" and I put on a spurt, overtook the rest of the field, won by 12 lengths and broke the track record". "I don't believe a word" said Shergar. "Neither do I" said Red Rum. "Who's ever heard of a greyhound that can talk?"
  4. Got the missus a Man United bra for her birthday.She hates it - says the support is crap and it wont be long till the tits are out of both cups!!!.
  5. Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on :involuntary muscle contraction: to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject, so the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked "do you know what your a---hole is doing whilst you are having an orgasm ?" She replied, "probably golfing with his mates"
  6. Me and the Missus Favourite sexual position is called The England Football Team,neither of us know what we are doing or why we're there,theres no passion no communication and we never make it past the first stage,there's horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet and its over far to quickly and when it do's end I know it will be at least four bleedin years until it happens again.!!!!!
  7. Man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull terrier. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
  8. Paddy had been drinking all day and most of the night at his local Dublin pub. Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy." Paddy replies " Ok Mick, Oil be on my way den." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. crap" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "crap, crap!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air, he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, Feels better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bejaysus, I'm wrecked" he says. He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the door, shimmies up the door frame, opens the door then collapses inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No effinchance.". But, he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door. Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step Into the bedroom and falls flat on his face. I gotta stop drinkin" he says as he drags himself across the floor and into bed. The next morning his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee. "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit much to drink last night? Paddy says"I did Jess, I did. I was wrecked. How'd you know? "Mick, the bartender phoned. Yuh left ya wheelchair at the pub." :
  9. A Good friend of mine has had a widow cock arrive back this afternoon minus the above. He is not a happy chappie
  10. An irish man and his son went to the zoo a sign says. feed the elephant a bun to get your age. The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stamps its foot 6 times, wow says the boy thats right i am 6. Now you have a go dad says the little lad,the irish chap gives the elephant a bun, a moment later the elephant farts and stamps twice. Bejesus. thats right said the father thats amazing, I am Fartytwo.
  11. A dog went into a telegraph office, filled in the form, the teller said†woof, woof woof woof, woof, woof. That’s 6 woofs you can have another woof for the same price, “don’t be stupid "said the dog, "that would/nt make sense"!!!
  12. MAGIC TABLE.. A guy sees a table for sale in a shop window £400.He goes in and says to shopkeeper,shouldnt table say £40, No says shopkeeper its £400 cos its a magic table. "watch" he says. How much money have i got in my pocket? table jumps up and down 10 times, shopkeeper empties his pockets and has exactly £10. The guy is not convinced,so asks the table his own question. How much money has my wife got in her bank account? The table goes berserk jumping up and down the shop for 5 minutes. " jesus" exclaims the guy,where the hell did all that money come from. All of a sudden,,,, the legs fell apart and the draws fell down . Hope u enjoyed them
  13. Jock takes his wife to casualty. She's no teeth, a broken nose and 2 black eyes. Dr says whats happened ? Jock says "She was going through the change." Dr says "That dosent happen with the change." Jock replies "It does when its in my fu**ing pockets."
  14. A wife decides that she wants to dress sexy for her husband and when he gets home from work he finds her sat on the sofa. She opens her legs and as her husband glances across he says " Are you wearing crotchless knickers?" " Yes " She purrs sseductively. " Thank God for that" he replys " I thought that the sofa had burst."
  15. Chili Cook-Off This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL . Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
  16. In the Inverness job centre a man saw a vacancy for a gynaecologist's assistant. He asked for details and was thrilled to learn that the duties are to include preparing female patients as follows:- 1. Remove their underwear. 2. wash and shave their nether regions. 3. Rub oil on the shaved areas. The salary is quated at £ 10,000 a month. The man is then instructed to go to Plymouth and he asks " Oh why, is that where the job is ?" The counter clerk replies " No, that's where the back of the queue is". ;D
  17. Bloke says to wife "your ar*e is the size of a 3 burner BBQ", later in bed he says "fancy a *expletive removed*?" wife says "No point lighting a BBQ for half a fu**in sausage!!! Night
  18. YOU WILL LOVE THIS....3 Naked men in a sauna: an american japenese and irishman. They hear a beepin sound, The american touches his arm n says 'Thats my pager, I have a microchip under my skin'. Next a phone rings n the Japenese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says 'I have a microchip in my hand'. The irishman, now feelin very lowtech, goes to the toilet and comes back with loo paper hangin from his *expletive removed* he says 'Oh jaysus, would u look at that,Im getting a fax!. Bed time training early tomorrow Catch u all later Atb
  19. A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.' The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens in the corner?' The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.' The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud.... I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.' The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit...... Third gay rooster I bought this month.' Moral Of This Story ? ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, Skill, Wisdom, and a little Treachery Always Overcome Youth and Arrogance!
  20. A visitor to a Mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in.The director said "we fill up a bath,and then offer the patient a teaspoon,teacup or a bucket & ask them to empty the bath tub". Oh i see the visitor said, a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's the biggest. No says the Director a normal person would just take the plug out, now would you like a bed near the window! That's all folks For now
  21. Happy birthday
  22. The Arab and the Scotsman An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies". To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
  23. A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly 'TRUMPS'. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price!"
  24. Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ... "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
  25. Great ...both him and his sister,are flying well😅 Put him back with his mates tomorrow!
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