Guest CS Posted August 19, 2006 Report Posted August 19, 2006 A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,” How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real *expletive removed* tonight, Dave."
Guest CS Posted August 19, 2006 Report Posted August 19, 2006 A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey George, how about a beer." George replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky." "Why call you Lucky?" "Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I realized I had forgot something in the car. Right after I walk away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on me." "Boy you are lucky." The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said "Hey Lucky, how about a beer." "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky." "Now what happened?" "Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise and shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts." "Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?" "A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes".
Guest CS Posted August 19, 2006 Report Posted August 19, 2006 Essex girl joke 1...... How does an essex girl turn the lights on after sex.............. She opens the car door. Essex girl joke 2........ Whats the difference between an essex girl and a washing mashine???.... A washing mashine doesnt follow you around for weeks after youve dumped your load in it.
Guest CS Posted August 19, 2006 Report Posted August 19, 2006 Essex girl joke 3...... Whats a washing mashine and an essex girl got in common????... They both drip wen theyre f***** (sorry bout that one admin but it is me bufdy )
jimmy white Posted August 19, 2006 Report Posted August 19, 2006 craig , ;D your some guy ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;Dmade me laugh anyway ;D ;D ;D
Guest CS Posted August 19, 2006 Report Posted August 19, 2006 the doc, wants to know if this is a breeders eye or a racing eye, on the two of them ha ha (Jimmy White)
Guest CS Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 MAD COWS DISEASE A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?" ;D ;D ;D ;D
Guest CS Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 A NUN IN A TAXI cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!' The nun says 'OK, pull into the next alley.' He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?' 'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'
jimmy white Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 ;D ;D ;D your some case craig ;D ;D ;D celtic came up to me , bought the cement mix, swetted cobs, :) but at least fixed my steps [to dangerous] i felt so sorry for him swetting his guts out , and wouldnt take anything for it, that i SOLD him a cold bottle off coca cola ;D ;D ;D [ HE SAID HE JUST DID IT FOR SPECK COMMING BACK UP] if i had have known that i wouldhave charged him DOUBLE ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D THANKS PAL YOUVE BEEN VERY HELFULL
Guest speckled Posted August 21, 2006 Report Posted August 21, 2006 Well thank god for that jimmy.dont think the anckle could handle another fall, hope the twigs are sweepted away.to ;D ;D ;D ;D. ua mean ya let that poor fella sweat with out showing him the water fountain,lol ;D ;D ;D ;D See celtic what i had to put up with lol. Owwwwwwwww good Jokes craig.pmsl. Well tell celtic i expect a good jon has been done lol ;D ;Dall need nowis the leak fixed clockman??????????????? hahhaha Speck ;D ;D
Guest CS Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 SEX is my fav. I do it regularly Do it and feel Good! U'll enjoy it! I'll die without SEX S - Sleep E - Eat X - Xercise So do it daily Good 4 u.
Tony C Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 psst...... walls have ears........ they also do a blinding banger ;D ;D
schouwman71 Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 my new bird ive bought in to inproove my stock
Guest CS Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 HUSBAND AND WIFE A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Guest CS Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 MORE JOKES Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get. Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel. Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later. Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve? A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam. Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat? A. A Klondike Bar Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?" Q. Why don't women wear watches? A. There's a clock on the stove! Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman. Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook. Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin? A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week. Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN! Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me. Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat ***** every Thanksgiving. Q. What's the difference between love and herpes? A. Love doesn't last forever. Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex? A. Call her and tell her. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife. Q. Why do women have small feet? A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to. Q. How do men sort out their laundry? A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable. Q. What's the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home. Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet? A. It doesn't need cleaning. Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called **** scrapes. Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts. Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties? A. Clitty litter Q. I married Miss Right. A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself? A. He's smoking a cigarette. Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? A. He worked it out with a pencil. Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week? A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week! Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego... A. "Is it in?" Q. What is the cheapest meat? A. Deer balls, there under a buck. Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise? A. The captains log. Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out? A. A lesbian with a hard-on. Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed *expletive removed* with a yeast infection. Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe? A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off! Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats? A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
Guest CS Posted August 22, 2006 Report Posted August 22, 2006 BLONDE JOKES Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy. Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg? A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. Q. How does a blonde part their hair? A. By doing the splits. Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg? A. Nothing, they haven't met! Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables. Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme? A. Humpme Dumpme Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? A. More leg-room! Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators? A. They chip their teeth. Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning? A. Fertilized Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering? A. More headroom Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob? A. Because everyone gets a turn. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball. Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets! Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? A. Frosted Flakes Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A. An airbag. Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day? A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil. Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common? A. They both swallowed a lot of semen. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board. Q. How did the blonde burn her nose? A. Bobbing for chips. Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? A. Brain tumor. Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom? A. So she can have a doggie bag for later. Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry.... Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine? A. Because they both drip when they're ****ed! Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? A. "Way to go team!" Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose? A. FULL Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? A. She slipped off and fell down the drain. Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper? A. So she could lip read. Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You get to park in the handicap zone. Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? A. Pregnant Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747? A. Not everyone has been in a 747? Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde? A. Butter is difficult to spread. Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A. Pull the pin and throw it back. Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette? A. Artificial intelligence. Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A. A brunette with bad breath. Q. What do blondes and cow **** have in common? A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex? A. She opens the car door. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!! Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are? A. Play ball! Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them. Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A. Cause it said concentrate. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? A. They know how many went down on the Titanic. Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? A. The joystick is wet. Q. Why do blondes wear underwear? A. To keep their ankles warm. Q. What is a brunette between two blondes? A. An interpreter. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it. Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money? A. She sold her car for it... Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A. "Are you sure it's mine?" Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons? A. Because they have blond boyfriends Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A. Their both empty from the neck up Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common? A. Get'em on their back and their both ****ed. Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A. A blow job with handlebars Q. What do you call a blond with a brain? A. A golden retriever. Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet? A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion. Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax? A. It has a stamp on it. Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections? A. A wine and cheese party! Q. How do you drown a blonde? A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio? A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too. Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again! Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? A. There is white out on the screen. Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores? A. Open 24 hours a day. Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet? A. To feed the toilet duck! Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses? A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face. Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws? A. Practice. Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A. To cover the valve stem. Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? A. It takes too long to retrain them. Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? A. The blonde has the higher sperm count. Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter? A. They spread for the bread. Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician? A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
Guest Paulo Posted August 23, 2006 Report Posted August 23, 2006 "my new bird ive bought in to inproove my stock'' I like it she can have a perch in my loft anyday
storm rollers Posted August 28, 2006 Report Posted August 28, 2006 cs where do you get ur jokes from i cant even remember 1 but gota say uve had me in stitches m8 lol
Guest Posted August 30, 2006 Report Posted August 30, 2006 think he needs some drawing lessons ;D ;D ;D
Guest Posted August 30, 2006 Report Posted August 30, 2006 Try this one http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf
Guest Posted August 30, 2006 Report Posted August 30, 2006 A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". "I remember that too", she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
Guest CS Posted August 31, 2006 Report Posted August 31, 2006 Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. They stand and watch him for half an hour. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."
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