For Fun Photo

[Guest CS]

Study of women....

 

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses! I thought the results were pretty interesting: 85% of women think their ass is too fat... 10% of women think their ass is too skinny... The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[Guest CS]

New Husband Store.

 

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is

a description of how the store operates.

 

" You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the

attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There

is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or

you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit

the building! "

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have

jobs.

 

 

 

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love

kids.

 

 

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,

and

are extremely good looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and

help with the housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

 

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with

the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this

floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to

please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

A New Wives Store opened across the street.

[Guest CS]

Best Feature.

 

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

 

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.

 

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

 

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

 

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

 

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

 

 

[Guest CS]

Cop on a Horse.

 

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said, did Santa bring it to you?

 

Yep, the little boy said, he sure did!

 

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.

 

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you? Yes, He sure did, said the cop.

 

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.

[Guest CS]

The nun,the priest and the camel...

 

There was a Priest and a Nun crossing the desert on a camel one day when a terrible sand storm came. It lasted for 6 hours and when it finally cleared they were horrified to see their camel was dead. They had no food or water and the situation looked hopelss. The Priest turned to the Nun and said "Sister, seeing as we are going to die out here, can you grant me one wish?"

 

The Nun said "Yes Father, what is your final wish?"

"In all my years in the church I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before." said the Priest. The Nun was a bit shocked but lifted her robes to show off her tits in all their glory. The Priest smiled and said "Thankyou Sister."

 

Then the Nun turned to the Priest and said "Father, in all my years in the church I have never seen a man’s ’thingy’ before. Is it alright for you to show me?" The priest happily agreed and got his junk out. The Nun studied it intensly. The Priest had his eyes closed and was rising to attention as the Nun touched it with fascination. The Priest said with a smile on his face, "Sister, do you know that when it’s placed in certain ’areas’ it can give life?"

 

And the Nun looked and at him and said "WELL STICK IT UP THIS CAMELS *expletive removed* AND LETS GET THE ******** OUTTA HERE!!!!"

[Guest CS]

For those of you with a sense of humour...

 

Enjoy and read to the end!

Men are like....

 

 

 

1. Men are like .........Laxatives ....... They irritate the ******** out of you.

 

2. Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

 

 

3. Men are like ......... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

 

4. Men are like ......... Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

 

5. Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

 

6. Men are like ........ Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

 

7. Men are like ......... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

 

8. Men are like ......... Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

 

9. Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 

10. Men are like ........ Popcorn . ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

 

11. Men are like . Snowstorms .............. You never know when they're coming,

how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

 

12. Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

 

13. Men are like ......... Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good- natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

[westburylofts]

 

GREAT STUFF CRAIG

 

RAY

[Guest speckled]

;D ;D ;D to true

[Guest CS]

A blind man walks into a bar....

 

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing !!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around.

[Guest CS]

Rooney.

 

Rooney has been told he will get a cortisone injection to play.

 

Beckham hit back saying if Rooney gets a new car, he wants one too.

[Guest CS]

Injured Golfer

 

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.He finally gets himself to the doctor.He says, "How bad is it doc?I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.It should be okay next week."So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together.It was an impressive work of art.

 

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.This was the first time he ever saw them.She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[Guest CS]

Englishman, German and Frenchie were on the beach and found the usual bottle with the usual Genie.

 

German rubbed it first and the Genie appeared and asked him what his wish was. His wish was for 2 million Storm Troopers primed and ready to march into France

 

The Frenchie was next and asked the Genie to build a wall a mile high round france to stop the German Stormtroopers marching in, wall was immediately built.

 

The English man was the last to have his wish granted and told the Genie his wish was very simple

 

FILL THAT WITH WATER

[Guest CS]

Shocked Woman...

 

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bruce and Bluey, sitting at the next table, turned to look at her.

 

“Kin ya swaller?” asked Bruce.

 

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

 

”Kin ya breathe?" asked Bluey. The woman shook her head “No!”

 

With that, Bruce walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her *expletive removed*.

 

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

 

Bruce walked casually back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

 

Bluey said in admiration, "Ya know, Bruce, I'd heard of that bloody hind lick manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.”

[jimmy white]

;D ;D ;D    good ones craig   ;D ;D ;D  dont know where you get them all  ;D ;D ;D

[westy]

lol nice one craig

[westy]

heres one

[westy]

another 1

[Guest Paulo]

good jokes craig

[Wiley]

lol good jokes craig,lol westy atleast ya passed ya test and got a ride to pull the chicks with lol only kidding mate

[Guest CS]

MAD COWS DISEASE

 

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

 

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

 

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

  

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

 

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

 

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad,

too?"

[Guest CS]

A NUN IN A TAXI

 

cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.

 

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

 

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

 

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.'

 

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'

 

The nun says 'OK, pull into the next alley.'

 

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, said the nun,   why are you crying?'

 

'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

 

The nun says, 'That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'

[Guest CS]

beggar

 

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times,

approaches a well dressed gentleman outside the local feed store.

"Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend

it on liquor are you?"

"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?"

asks the gentleman.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at the pigeon auction would you?"

asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't have pigeons."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for

a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are

heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of

him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at

your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see

what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or fly pigeons."

[Guest CS]

Strip Club......

 

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,” How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real *expletive removed* tonight, Dave."

[Guest CS]

Teenage Daughter...

 

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says: I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!

The Scotsman says: That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as didn't even know she drank!

With that the Irishman says: Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!

[Guest CS]

april fool

 

Grandma Goes to Court

 

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

 

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

 

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

 

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

 

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

 

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

 

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

 

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

 

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

 

Defense Attorney: Why not?

 

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

 

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

 

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

 

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

 

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a *expletive removed*